That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
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My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying