A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
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I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
And that about sums it up.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?