“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
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Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.