the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
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mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Seems a bit forward
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
finally
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.