thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
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I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress