Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
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bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
I can’t stop laughing at this
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Best spot.. 😅
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
🙀🙀🙀😹
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.