What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
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5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Happy weekend !
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
meanwhile over on facebook
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I think the cat got the dog high.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke