So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
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My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Taking phone security to the next level.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?