I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
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I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
sigh
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second