My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
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I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.