luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
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Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies