[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
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my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Think I pulled my liver
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
The Others (2001)
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.