I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
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Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho