[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
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Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide