Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
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going ballistic. anyone need anything?
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.