My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
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Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight