Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
You Might Also Like
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
dictator is short for richard potato
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Shoo shoo! 😂
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.