My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
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In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun