“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
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I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Solving a traffic jam
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
PARKOUR
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Finally, a door that understands me
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
My patience has stretch marks.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.