Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
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Passwords are more important than ever.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I’m putting together a team
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.