GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
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Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.