someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
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My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
You can’t outrun your problems…
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Twitter is an abusement park.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.