[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
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Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like