“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
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[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Don’t forget to tip your server
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water