my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
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*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist