*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
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[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic