The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
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“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
They’re on their honeymoon
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.