How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
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Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
The fall of Netflix