I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
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me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I am a gravy boat captain
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
no