I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
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My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Worth a try
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that