[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
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I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss