A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
You Might Also Like
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Breaking news:
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others