you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
You Might Also Like
I’m a self-made hundredaire
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Natty or not?
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!