I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
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*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
How and why my FUR ROOM exists