Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
You Might Also Like
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend