Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
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A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which