Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
You Might Also Like
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.