12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
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Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits