ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
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i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Beware of the dog..
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
opening twitter today
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!