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Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”