I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
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I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
When you don’t understand how floors work
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted