December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
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I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos