Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
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Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Pigeon open mic night.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured