Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
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Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.