ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
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I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Midwest trash talk
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay