If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
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I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.