World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
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BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
uncle dave has been through hell
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
War & Peace
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
A sick whale is called an unwhale