I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
You Might Also Like
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan