*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
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is there nothing we can trust anymore
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
mmm onion ringos
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.