Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
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My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Facebook memories be like
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building